DISCUSSION: "Jealousy is a lack of love"


“It frequently happens that women who do not really love their husbands, are jealous, and destroy their friendships. They want the husband to belong entirely to them, because they themselves do not belong to him. The kernel of all jealousy, is lack of love” (C. G. Jung)


This paragraph from C. G. Jung's Memories, Dreams, Reflections, had a powerful effect on me. I've been slowly reaching this conclusion, and I am glad he would verbalize it so phenomenally. I'm not a jealous person and I don't anticipate others to be, so I am often confounded by this emotion, the behaviours and the repercussions. I don't understand how people are held captive in a jealous relationship.

Jung is an eminent psychiatrist famous for his writings about the collective unconscious. He is interested in a range of topics and has studied theology, internal anatomy, dreams and spirituality. His book has been consistently surprising me and I suggest everybody to read it. (LINK)


Jealousy and co dependency have been traditionally idealised in relationships, in music and in art, and while they work beautifully in these formats, in reality not so much. Jealousy is not a sweet feeling in love; the jealous person becomes a parasite. Possession is sexy, but there are ways to possess without sucking the life off your lover. Most people think it's cute when their girlfriend or boyfriend gets jealous, that it means how much they care. I think to an extent it's cute, but when it gets serious, I believe, like Jung, that it marks a lack of care.

Maybe the type of people who unconsciously seek jealous lovers, don't have the willpower to be with anyone less controlling. Some guys love to complain about their psychopathic girlfriends, while they jump from one to the next. It is precisely this weakness of character that will attract a jealous partner, and so here you have two people so suited for one another.


In my own life, I've never been in a jealous relationship. I guess I'm not attracted to the kind of guy who gets jealous and won't let me see my friends. On the contrary, I like guys who are sociable, and I like introducing them to my friends and getting them into my social circle. After all, my lovers are my friends.

When a man gets jealous for no reason, what is that telling me? That he is weak, that he lacks courage, that he doesn't feel confident and capable of keeping me by his side. It's unattractive. Men who are jealous are men who don't feel good about themselves, and I don't feel revived in their presence. And if I think about it, the jealous guys are the ones who cared less.

It always comes up very early in the relationship, when you're just starting to date, and any mention of other guys discourages him, and you end up not making plans with your friends for fear of making him uncomfortable. This is a person you don't even know properly. How can they possibly care. Think about it.


I know that when I am hanging out with other men, flirty as I may be, he's the one I belong to, and the one I'm focused on. Likewise. I have not felt jealous with the guys that loved me back; I felt like we had something different and beyond what they may have with other women. I get upset of course if I don't get  what I need from him, if I become plan b. But jealousy...I think jealousy is such a slight creature, so unwelcome, so breakable, next to love