FIFTY SHADES OF GREY: A SYNOPSIS

(in the form of a dialogue between our two heroes)

ANA
What is this? I don't understand. I have gone to university therefore I have to be rude and not accept any of your gifts

CHRISTIAN
Gosh Ana. You are so desirable. I want you right here and now. Also I want to spank you

ANA
Isn't that politically incorrect?

CHRISTIAN
Well. I am very very fucked up. Only the spanking though- I am otherwise a perfectly dull, short-sighted individual. And oh Ana, you challenge me

ANA
Oh Christian. I can feel your erection on my sex. OOPS. Did I just say sex? I've never had sex before. What is sex?

CHRISTIAN
You are a virgin?? Then I can't spank you. I will just pound you hard make love to you until you have a mind-boogling, g-spot orgasm. It's really easy, it happens in about five seconds, never fails. Sometimes I won't even need to touch you

ANA
Oh that sounds fun. (pause) But I am not sure I am okay with the spanking. Let me consult some feminist literature from the 80s.

CHRISTIAN
Gosh Ana, you are so intelligent. You keep challenging me. I just want to spank you and I don't know why. I guess it's just the way I am. I am really, really deep

ANA
I'm sorry, who's that guy starting at us?

CHRISTIAN
Oh, he's my butler

ANA
Oh. What is a butler? I have no idea how to behave with staff. Is that okay?

CHRISTIAN
Yes of course, you have such great boobs.

ANA
That sounds like a sexist remark. I shudder.

CHRISTIAN
I'm so sorry Ana, I didn't realise you are so bright, you get me every time. I glint my grey eye at you.

ANA
Yes. Don't compliment me, I can't accept compliments either

CHRISTIAN
Will you come take a ride in my helicopter?

ANA
You have a helicopter?

CHRISTIAN
A helicopter, a state of the art ship, three apartments, a mansion, 50 secret security CIA agents, I can get unlimited personal shopper orders from Neiman Marcus….And all that, earning just 100 pounds an hour!

ANA
Well, 100 pounds an hour can get you anything, can't it? It's an infinite amount of money

CHRISTIAN
If you do the maths though, it can't get you shit more than the upkeep for my custom ship and your dresses. I get everything else for free!

ANA
Oh Christian. I don't understand. I bite my lip.

CHRISTIAN
Let's just have sex because I love you and you are the most fascinating woman I have ever met.

ANA
Well. I did finish my degree and read at least thirty Penguin Classics. This proves that I am the most intelligent person in the world. I shudder

CHRISTIAN
Yes it does, Ana. Now let's fuck. (SHOT of christian's hair as he sweeps it back away from his face, over the background tune of L'oreal, because you're worth it)

ANA
But WAIT! I am a virgin! And I don't even know where my vagina is.

CHRISTIAN
That's okay. You will still explode into an orgasm when I say so. This can happen over twenty times a day, you'll see. On the count to three

ANA
one

CHRISTIAN
Two

ANA
THree!
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