(in the form of a dialogue between our two heroes) ANA What is this? I don't understand. I have gone to university therefore I have to be rude and not accept any of your gifts CHRISTIAN Gosh Ana. You are so desirable. I want you right here and now. Also I want to spank you ANA Isn't that politically incorrect? CHRISTIAN Well. I am very very fucked up. Only the spanking though- I am otherwise a perfectly dull, short-sighted individual. And oh Ana, you challenge me ANA Oh Christian. I can feel your erection on my sex. OOPS. Did I just say sex? I've never had sex before. What is sex? CHRISTIAN You are a virgin?? Then I can't spank you. I will just
pound you hardmake love to you until you have a mind-boogling, g-spot orgasm. It's really easy, it happens in about five seconds, never fails. Sometimes I won't even need to touch you ANA Oh that sounds fun. (pause) But I am not sure I am okay with the spanking. Let me consult some feminist literature from the 80s. CHRISTIAN Gosh Ana, you are so intelligent. You keep challenging me. I just want to spank you and I don't know why. I guess it's just the way I am. I am really, really deep ANA I'm sorry, who's that guy starting at us? CHRISTIAN Oh, he's my butler ANA Oh. What is a butler? I have no idea how to behave with staff. Is that okay? CHRISTIAN Yes of course, you have such great boobs. ANA That sounds like a sexist remark. I shudder. CHRISTIAN I'm so sorry Ana, I didn't realise you are so bright, you get me every time. I glint my grey eye at you. ANA Yes. Don't compliment me, I can't accept compliments either CHRISTIAN Will you come take a ride in my helicopter? ANA You have a helicopter? CHRISTIAN A helicopter, a state of the art ship, three apartments, a mansion, 50 secret security CIA agents, I can get unlimited personal shopper orders from Neiman Marcus….And all that, earning just 100 pounds an hour! ANA Well, 100 pounds an hour can get you anything, can't it? It's an infinite amount of money CHRISTIAN If you do the maths though, it can't get you shit more than the upkeep for my custom ship and your dresses. I get everything else for free! ANA Oh Christian. I don't understand. I bite my lip. CHRISTIAN Let's just have sex because I love you and you are the most fascinating woman I have ever met. ANA Well. I did finish my degree and read at least thirty Penguin Classics. This proves that I am the most intelligent person in the world. I shudder CHRISTIAN Yes it does, Ana. Now let's fuck. (SHOT of christian's hair as he sweeps it back away from his face, over the background tune of L'oreal, because you're worth it) ANA But WAIT! I am a virgin! And I don't even know where my vagina is. CHRISTIAN That's okay. You will still explode into an orgasm when I say so. This can happen over twenty times a day, you'll see. On the count to three ANA one CHRISTIAN Two ANA THree!