DISAPPEARING DIANA

jul6_diana

Gosh, these last few weeks have been a journey! It's almost surreal, I'm at my lowest adult weight

I want to talk about the subject of food but I think I'm gonna tell you my tale in reverse; there's so much to it, it's an ongoing conversation in my head and I wouldn't know where to start.

This last incident was triggered by digestive problems, basically food was causing me attacks and so I had to stop eating. And then start eating again, carefully. I'm figuring it out. It's like learning to walk all over again, evidently what I was doing wasn't working for me, so I need to rectify.

So far so good. I've eliminated practically everything from my diet that could cause any sort of obstruction, and I've reduced it to fresh produce and raw foods, only nutritious things. I've limited meat, and I've learnt to eat without greed. I've started to treat food like what it's meant to be: sustenance, and not like a pass-time. To eat when I'm hungry, and to stop when my stomach is almost full. It destructs your social calendar. But a nice side effect is the weight-loss, for sure!

Is it a positive side effect? I'm stepping into controversial territory, but yes. It's not the nature of my body to be so rounded, it never has been. It all spiraled out of control a few years ago, because of addictions. But I truly feel so much better when my sense of satisfaction doesn't depend on food, and my body is allowed to be light.

It means so much more to me than how I look. I grew up getting so viciously bullied for being too skinny, having to defend my nature so ferociously that it became a personal war, and trying to change my body type became an obsession. I won in the end, but I lost at the same time- The damage I did to my body by overeating.. .I'm starting to get an idea. What I was doing was as calculated as anorexia, as isolating, and as exhausting. Worst of all, everybody encouraged it. Food consumed me, literally! So going back to being skinny feels quite good, like now I can be myself and just be proud of it, because I've snapped out of the body dis-morphia, and it's eye-opening what lies on the other side. For years all I saw was bones when I looked in the mirror. Now I finally, finally see a person.

I'm glad this happened and I lost all that weight, I feel like I have a clean slate to work on. I think I can keep up a healthy diet without feeling like I'm missing too much. I've learnt to enjoy food over the years, but it's hurt me so much I have some resentment towards it, so if it turns out that something is not good for me, I can decline it without much trauma.

Well this was a promising intro! I'll sink you in deeper with me as I put my thoughts in order.